On my facebook blog fan page I showcase what I refer to as Cyber Sermons. I share series and/or sermons that I myself am following. Well in my search for the first cyber sermon I came across a series by Pastor Mike of Transformation Church entitled Relationship Goals. I mean he held back nothing and gave me everything! When I watched part 6 of the 8 part series I felt an immediate change within myself for the better. You see I have always struggle with the Good girl Bad girl that lives inside me. The desire to do things the "right way" vs giving in to the pressures put on by society, peers and the men! I had enough of defending my heart to people. This series gave me the ok I guess I needed to feel amazing in my faith and with my decision. Although the series gave so much more insight into relationships especially marriage I got what I needed. Now I'm sharing it with you so that you can too.
Faith is believing before seeing. It is knowing that no matter what God will supply. Yes, there are times when you may ask yourself how? How do I rely on faith to feed my children? How do I believe that this 3 day notice on my apartment door will not come to fruition? How do I know this cancer will not take my life? HOW?! This was a hard question for me to answer on my own as a young single mother. Yet my questions and my needs were oh so similar. I had asked my pastor HOW? He said, "Have Faith." My mother also said, "Smush I have one word and that is Faith." I didn't understand it until I started writing about my life.
When you look deep into my eyes at this time at this age what you see is a survivor. What did I use to survive? I used faith and did not know its name. I did not know faith. I knew planning and I knew action but I did not know faith. Yet it was my greatest and is my greatest tool in my tool box. You see, believing in yourself is one thing but believing in GOD is a whole other level baby. It is the greatest gift one can have. It brings you peace in times of struggle. It brings you Joy in times of struggle. How is that? Try it and see. Somethings you literally have to experience on your own to truly gain an understanding. Some speak about having faith every time they see you until they need some themselves. That's fake faith. That's church folk faith. Church folk are at every service but still no closer to GOD than the next person but claim to be based off of attendance. AMEN. I am talking about real faith.
So here is my testimony. Many do not know this about me but when I was offered my current position I knew that it was a well of opportunity. Meaning this was just the surface of where it could go. I was not about to lose out on that opportunity but I had to choose. It was 6 hours away but the same opportunity was offered to me closer to my existing location. I talked to my mother who was living at the time about it . She said" you looked so happy in the pictures you took there. I think there is something about that place you need." Mind you my mother was battling many health issues. Ultimately 15 months later she would submit to them.
I took her advice and with $647.00 a bag of frozen burritos, top ramen, instant oatmeal and soda, My then 12 year old son and I headed north. Did we stay with a friend or family? NO. We stayed at the motel 6 for a few months. Then rented a room and then two. I was desperate to get my mother up north with me. I received the news that the house that I claimed was mine in JESUS name was mine. I was so excited I jumped out of the seat in my mothers hospital room and went to her side and I said my mom I did it! I got us a house! You will have the master bedroom with the bathroom inside and doors that lead to the backyard. Its quiet and beautiful. All of a sudden her heart rate and blood pressure started improving. I said to her " Oh so I have to threaten you with a good time to get you up out of this bed?" She passed away that night.
The next day I said I will release balloons into the air in my mothers memory. Each one is a representation of an emotion from our history. I am ready to let her go and remember only the woman she became. The woman she IS walking into heavens gates. In the picture to the left was that day. I stood there staring at that cross and all I could here was the word FAITH.
On the drive home again I thought about faith. I thought about my horrible childhood, struggles as a single mom and as a brokenhearted woman. What I realized on that drive was that it was always faith that got me through those times. It is far simpler than I thought. FAITH IS JUST KNOWING THAT THE OPPOSITE OF MISFORTUNE CAN HAPPEN IF YOU BELIEVE. Below is my version of a picture from the greatest day of my life. Watching my mother rededicate herself to Christ. To me the reflection below it represents who she was going to leave in that pool of sanctified water -Fly my black butterfly Fly